I Want You
by Peyt fan 4ever
Summary: "…but me and Cindy, we just held onto each other as tight as we could…" They shared this. Together they made this baby and together they lost it and together they needed to grieve to get past it. Dawson and Casey are struggling after the loss of their baby, but they can get through anything, together. 4x04
**A/N: I recently searched through my computer and found out I am a one shot hoarder. I started working on this after 4x04 and I don't really know what happened but it's been sitting untouched on my computer for months and I decided today that I was going to finish it. I don't really know if this was how I had originally planned it out, but this is how it ended up ending and I hope you all like it!**

 **I'm working on updates for all of my stories along with finishing up the other one shots that I found so stay tuned for those. Let me know what you think!**

" _I meant to tell you, doctors appointment on the 12_ _th_ _… they said that we'll be able to hear the babies heartbeat..."_

" _Wow."_

" _I know right."_

" _This is real…"_

" _ **This is real…"**_

How is it that they had had that conversation only a couple days ago? Yet, it seemed like a lifetime ago that she was wheeled away from him.

He's trying to commit it all to memory. Every touch, every kiss, every word ever said. Because he is praying to God that the both of them come out of this just fine, but there has been a nagging feeling in his chest ever since he got the call from Chief that is telling him otherwise.

" _I'm not even worried. You'll do great."_

" _We didn't even get to find out if it's a boy or a girl."_

" _Hey, hey, you're the strongest person I know. You're gonna be fine, both of you."_

" _I love you."_

" _ **I love you, too."**_

He told her he wasn't worried, but he knows she saw right through him. It's all he's done since the Chiefs frantic voice rang through his phone and especially since Will Halstead told him Gabby's condition.

Ectopic pregnancy. He may not know much on the medical side but he knows what this means, he knows how dangerous it is for not only the baby, but Gabby as well.

" _ **Will, do everything you can for the baby, but if it comes down to a choice, you save my girl**_ _…"_

He's trying to hold himself together as he waits. He's desperately trying to think positive, to think of the past couple weeks when everything has been good between them and not of Will Halstead's words.

They finally found their way back to each other and he couldn't be happier to have her in his life again. Her and this baby were all he ever wanted, all her ever needed and he isn't really sure what he'll do if anything happens to either of them.

It's only been a couple weeks and they are both already so attached to this pregnancy and he knows they'll make great parents. He knows Gabby will be the perfect mother, he can see it already in the way her hand rests on her stomach in the quite moments, or how willingly she jumped over to arson to keep herself and the baby as safe as possible. It's in the simple things, like how she has a 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' book tucked away in her bedside drawer and is already half through with it. It's how she has completely given up caffeine, though she knows a little here and there won't hurt her, she always tells him that she can live without caffeine for nine months if it means their baby is as healthy as possible and all he can do is smile because his girl is so damn excited for this and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't just as excited and happy about his impending fatherhood as Gabby seems to be about motherhood.

He just hopes he and Gabby both won't be kissing this dream goodbye.

" _What happened at the club, when that guy put his gun to my head? I've been spinning out, trying to make sense of it, I guess…"_

" _Matt…"_

"… _And then at the fire when the roof went and you were inside, all that matters is that you came out alive. Cause here's the thing. Being with you, that's what makes sense. Maybe the only thing that does. I don't ever want to let you out of my life again…"_

" _ **I'm pregnant…"**_

It's many encouraging words from the Chief, multiple laps of pacing around the waiting room, and hands ran through his hair later when Will is walking back through the door with news that he knows will change his life forever.

Gabby is fine, still not out of the woods, but still good. He feels a weight lift off his shoulders at those words and the vice grip around his heart seems to lessen.

That is until he asks about the baby and Will's next words have him struggling to keep himself on his feet and not falling to the ground as the rush of pain and grief shoots through him.

" _ **For all intents and purposes, there never was a baby**_ _…"_

And just like that the perfect world that he and Gabby had been dreaming up is completely crashing down around him…

He tells Will that he will talk to Gabby, that he will tell her… but he has no idea what to say. How do you tell the love of your life that your baby is gone?

 _We didn't even get to find out if it's a boy or a girl._ Gabby's words echo in his head and break his heart all over again. He has no idea what he's going to say to her, how he's going to explain that their dream come true turned into a nightmare that he desperately just wants to wake up from.

He wants to rewind time, go back to a few days ago when everything was simple and perfect. To go back to a year ago when he and Gabby were engaged, when the life they had wanted seemed so close. They were supposed to get married, start their family then. Maybe if things had been different and they'd have stayed together none of this would have happened. They wouldn't have to go through this heartbreak.

He knows it's useless to think of all the 'what ifs', but right now nothing makes sense. Gabby is still in critical condition in the ICU and their baby… their baby is gone, and he's not really sure where they go from here, how they get past this.

If they'll ever get past this…

Right now the grief is to unbearable to ever fathom moving on from this point.

It's two days later that Gabby is released from the hospital and they are walking through their apartment door for the first time in what's felt like weeks, but has only been a little over 3 days.

" _ **I'm so ready to start this life with you, me, and the baby**_ _…"_

The minute she walks through the door she's hit with it all. All the memories that this place now holds of so much hope and happiness. Stumbling through the door with Matt after she told him she was pregnant, the bright smiles that were glued to their faces and the laughs that echoed through the living room as they made their way down the hall. Both too happy to be back together again to keep their hands off each other. The long talk they had about her moving over to arson until after the baby was born. Moving back in to this place. Having Matt thinking she's asleep as he talked endlessly to her stomach about how much he loved their little peanut and how he couldn't wait to meet him or her. Waking up every morning with her or Matt's hand always resting over her stomach.

Every little thing that had happened in this apartment since she'd moved back in floats through her mind and she has to stop in her tracks to get her bearings, to stop the sob that desperately wants to leave her from coming out.

Matt's hand is resting on her back a few moments later. "You okay?" He questions softly and she can hear the concern in his voice. She knows he's worried. He barely left her side at all since she's woken up and she's grateful, she's not really sure what she'd do without him. But she's also not really sure what to do with him either. They haven't talked much about it all. It's just so _hard._ She hates that every time she thinks about it all that tears sting her eyes and her throat gets unbearably tight. She hates everything about this and she knows none of this is Matt's fault, not at all, but for some reason she keeps pushing him away and she hates that she is but she really doesn't know how to stop.

She swallows thickly and clears her throat before replying with an unsteady voice. "Yeah, I uh, I'm gonna go lay down."

It's not until after she's tucked under the covers that she lets the tears fall and the sobs take over her.

It takes no less than 5 minutes before Matt is crawling under the covers and pulling her shaky body to his. "I've got you, I've got you." He whispers a mantra of sweet nothings to soothe her and it's not until her eyes are heavy and she's about to sleep when she feels his body shake lightly against hers and feels his tears soak her neck as he holds her close.

"Matt…" she whispers and when he clears his throat she just knows he's about to act as if he's fine, so she shakes her head and pulls him closer, cradling his head to her chest like he'd done so many time to her the past few days. "I've got you." She repeats his words back to him.

And for the first time she is truly understanding Hermann's words.

"… _ **but me and Cindy we just held onto each other as tight as we could**_ _…"_

They shared this. Together they made this baby and together they lost it and together they needed to grieve to get past it.

" _So, can we, can we talk about what all this means. I mean we got back together because I was pregnant."_

" _We got back together because we love each other."_

" _Hey, Matt it's me, okay. I know how hard this must be for you. You've wanted kids your whole life."_

" _ **I want you."**_

Matt takes a week, despite Gabby's protests that she will be fine at home alone. She tells him such at least once a day, and he knows she's doing it more for his benefit then her own. She has no choice but to stay at home. He could go back to work if he wanted, and though he uses the excuse that he wants to be home to take care of her, they both know that he needs this week. They both do. They need this time together away from the firehouse, away from their friends, save for Severide of course, away from the world to just be together. Even if it's simply just being huddled up on the couch or bed together in silence or if it's a big heart felt conversation. They need this time to grieve together away from prying eyes and concerned friends and family, as much as they do love them all.

They need this time to get back on their feet, together. It's hard to admit just how broken and lost they are both feeling. It's hard to look at the other without the past 4 weeks passing through their minds and how it had held so much hope. It's hard to be in this place where they had spent so much time talking about the baby. It's hard to look at Severide and see his sympathetic face. It's hard to pretend they aren't completely and utterly lost right now. It's all just _hard._

Matt is trying everything possible to keep her together while she is doing the same for him and Kelly is just trying to stay out of the way and let them grieve. The house is silent a lot and all it does is give Gabby time to think about how if things had gone right then in less than 8 months they would have had an apartment filled with newborn cries and she knows she would have been cursing it at that time but right now all she can think of is how amazing those cries would have been.

It's not fair. She did everything right. She told Casey right away. She switched jobs to be safe. She started taking her vitamins, she cut out unhealthy food. She started taking care of herself completely and yet it still didn't matter. It's not fair. Not fair at all.

" _You'll be a great Dad…"_

" _ **One day."**_

Matt goes back to work after a lot of convincing from Gabby when his week is up. She appreciates him being here, but she knows they are getting stuck in a rut and if he doesn't go back to work it will only make her transition of going back in a few days much harder.

He knows how hard this all is on Gabby and he is trying his best to help her. He wishes more than anything that he could just take all this pain away from the both of them, but he knows that is not possible. He knows it will take a while before either of them will feel normal again, if normal is even a thing they can get back too after all of this. He just knows with her by his side that they can get through anything. He knows she was hesitant about where they stood after they loss the baby, but he hopes he has solved any of those worries. He loves her, he wants her, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. There was no question about it, he just wishes they wouldn't have had to spend so much time apart before coming to that conclusion.

" _In my mind we were gonna be this family. We would find a house together, fix it up together, grow old in it together, and we would…_

 _ **But that's not the way that it worked out**_ _…"_

She goes to see the Chaplain after a little convincing from Casey. He knows that going to see him after losing Shay helped her a lot and though she doesn't necessarily think she needs it, she knows how much Matt is trying to help and how worried he is so she goes.

And once she is there the flood gates are open and everything that she hasn't been able to say to Matt is flooding out of her mouth without any holding back.

" _And I know better than anyone that life doesn't, life doesn't line up in these perfectly straight lines._

 _ **But it would be nice… It would be nice if every now and then I didn't get the curveball, ya know?**_ _"_

She goes back to work a few short weeks later and the minute she walks through the door she knows it was the best thing for her. This place is her home. These people are her family. This is what she needs right now. This is what is going to heal her. This place, these people, and Matthew Casey. They are what is going to put her world back in focus.

It takes time, but things go back to normal. Things get better. She and Matt are doing good. They are doing great. They are happy again. And though they can never erase what happened, they would never want too, it's made them stronger. Sure she is still sad when she thinks about it. They don't talk about it much, but they don't avoid it either. They move past it, they grow from it. She knows they would have been amazing parents, but she knows they have the rest of their lives together for that.

" _Hey Gabby, I've been trying to think of the right thing to tell you to make you feel better, but I know it don't work that way, so. Here's the thing, when Cindy and I got married she got pregnant right away, but, uh, we lost the baby…._

 _ **And I just thought what did we do to deserve this? I was so angry, but me and Cindy we just held onto each other as tight as we could**_ _…"_

It's three years later when she is hulled up in their adjoining bathroom with all of 51 over for New Years that she is pacing and staring at the timer on her phone.

It's not planned. They haven't been trying and she is scared. She is scared because this is only the second time she has ever done this and the first turned into her worst nightmare.

She was going to wait. She was going to wait until it was just her and Matt and they could do this together, but then Hermann and Cindy were talking about the kids and Boden was holding a now 4 year old Terrance and it was all so much. She needed to know. The timer goes off just as Sylvie is calling her out because the countdown is about to start. She debates waiting to look but then Sylvie is knocking on the door and she is grabbing the stick and sneaking a look before tossing it in the trash. She gives Sylvie a smile before bypassing her and making her way to Matt as the countdown starts.

" _And, so here we are 5 kids later and I got a family I never imagined, including one more girl that I didn't expect. And she came to me full grown._

 _ **She's strong and brave and courageous and really special, and I love her like my own…**_ _"_

 _10, 9, 8,…_

"Hey! Where'd you go? I've been looking for you." Matt says as he wraps an arm around her and places a kiss on her head.

It's then that he notices the tears in her eyes.

"Hey, what's wrong, Gabby?"

 _7, 6, 5…_

"Matt… I need to tell you something…"

"Okay…"

 _4, 3, 2…_

"Gabs, you know you can tell me anything." He says as the yells of numbers around them gets louder and people are raising their champagne glasses.

 _1…_

"I'm pregnant."

" _ **And someday she's going to make a great mom**_ _…"_

It's not until the 4th month that her anxiety sets in and Matt has to talk her down off the ledge.

"Gabby…"

"Something is wrong!" She says as she paces the expanse of the doctor's room that she had hauled him too. She wouldn't let this go and though he is trying to stay calm and convince her of otherwise, he would be lying if he said her getting so worked up over whatever it is that she thinks is wrong is getting him worked up as well.

He doesn't think either of them can deal with another loss. He doesn't want to even think about it, but ever since Gabby started freighting this morning it's been in the back of his mind.

"Gabby, baby, will you please at least come sit down, the doctor said she would be in soon." He tries and is surprised when she finally obliges and takes a seat on the bed.

It's silent for a few minutes before his name leaves her lips and he can hear the tightness in her voice and the tears in her eyes. "Matt… what if something really is wrong… what if…"

He cuts her off and is pulling her into his arms before she can go there, "Hey, hey, it's okay. Everything is going to be okay. With you, with the baby. It is going to be okay, Gabs."

"And if it isn't?" She asks pulling away to meet his own tear filled eyes as they both remember the harsh reality of what it will be like if it's not okay.

"Then we will get through it. I'm not going anywhere Gabby." He reassures just as the doctor is walking in with the ultrasound machine.

It's a few stressful minutes later that they hear the babies heart beat echoing through the room. Gabby sighs in relief, but there is still a look of concern on her face.

"That." She says looking at the doctor with concern. "That's what's wrong."

The doctor looks at her confused as she looks around the ultrasound machine, before smiling softly and grabbing her stethoscope and moving it around Gabby's stomach.

"Is that what you feel Mrs. Casey?" She asks softly and Gabby nods.

Matt looks at them both expectantly, not having a clue what is going on. The doctor gives us both a warm smile, "Gabriella, that is your baby moving."

Gabby's eyes light up and a chuckle leaves Matt's lips. "That's all?" Gabby asks relieved and the tears she has been holding in all day are finally falling.

"Yes, dear. Everything looks good." She confirms. "I'll go print you off some new pictures and we will see you at your next appointment in a couple weeks.

The doctor leaves and Matt thinks everything is fine, that is until Gabby bursts in to tears stronger than before. "Gabs, what's wrong? Do you want me to go get the Doctor again?" He is already walking away when she grabs his hand and pulls him back, pulling him close to her.

"No, I'm okay. I just…. Everything is _okay_." She says relieved, laughing softly in amazement.

He smiles down at her from where she still lays on the bed.

"Everything is perfect."

" _ **You're gonna make a great mom…."**_

Five months later Matt is walking into their new home with a little girl in the car seat and an exhausted new mother behind him.

He sets their little girl down on the counter before taking her out of car seat and holding her close. He walks over to the couch where Gabby has plopped down and smiles when she snuggles into his side and places a kiss on their little girl's head.

"Thank you." He whispers after a few minutes and she looks up at him curiously before asking him what for. "For everything. For becoming my wife. For giving me the most beautiful baby in the world. For sticking by me, always. I don't know what I would do without you Gabriella."

She smiles before placing a kiss on his lips. "I love you so much, Matthew Casey."

She looks around their place and her eyes catch the plaque they have for the baby they lost, her heart aches a little at the thought of their child that they never got to meet.

She settles back in to Matt's side before her eyes fall on the little girl tucked in her daddy's arms and she smiles, "Welcome home, Elizabeth Grace Casey."

" _ **So, I guess all I'm trying to say is, hang on Gabby… Your day is coming**_ _..."_


End file.
